so sick

im so sick of trying to please almost everyone. 
pretending to be a nice girl when everyone including me know that im not. 
im so sick of trying and seeing people that i care, get dissapointed.
so tired of being disappointed at myself.
no more energy to just keep fighting, telling myself that i'm better than this.
hey, what if, this is the best that i can get. huh? 
what if this is the highest smartest person that i can be.
that's it. 
why am i forcing myself to be better, and better, and better..?
there is no limit to be the best, and i don't wanna try for the rest of my life.
why do i still expect something from myself when i'm not even trying..?


and both of you,
you!
stop giving me the disappointed tone.
stop giving me the disappointed look!
please... stop showing me that face everytime i do something wrong.
oh god, 
i have troubles waking up, 
same way you have troubles not being able to sleep for a long time!
it just somehow turns out that yours is a good thing and mine is not..
i did not choose to have such bad sleeps.
i did not choose to have problems falling asleep.
i did not choose to have dreams that can wake me up all night.
i did not choose to be so sensitive, i wake up at every single click on the mouse.
i did not choose to for it to be so difficult to wake up in the morning.
it's as frustrating for me as it is for you.. 
i never want to be like this, 
if i can't help it then what's the fucking point in making me feel bad about it?!


you think i don't wanna wake up and go to class everyday?
you think i like facing the worries of forging my attendance?
you think i like being so not organised?
you think i like having such lack of discipline??
you think i don't like doing everything right?
you think i don't like to be more like you?
you think i like getting that, that feeling everytime i do something wrong or did not do something??!
its just who i am and who you're not.


just grow up, that's all i need to do..
and yes, i tried. and i stopped trying.
you know why? 
because it's fucking tiring to try every single day of my life!
and yet, it doesn't change the fact of who i am no matter how long i've tried.
a very bad metaphor but im going to say it anyway,
it's like going for chemotherapy everyday and you know that your cancer will never be cured!
i'd rather die, get it..........?!

it's stupid i know, what i just say up there..
its wrong i know, to put the blame on you.
i'm sorry. 
i know, i told you that doesn't mean anything.
but there's nothing else i can say but this. there's nothing else i can promise or do.
im sorry. im really sorry.
im sorry for all the things i did, i wish i can take them back. 
im sorry, im sorry, im sorry.
Sorry.

please

are you so worthless?!!

you are more than that... all girls out there.. you deserve more than a guy who treats you like you're the one only for that night... that night when he's lonely.. you deserve someone who treats you all the best he can.. to be his angel in his eyes.. to be the most important thing he ever had.. that he will not just do things with you because he would've want it to be special.. you deserve everything in the world to him... you should.. he might not be there right now.. but don't be impatient.. that guy? he'll be in your life soon enough.. just don't ever give up waiting for him.. he's on his way now, to meet you.. just give him some time..

to me, all of you are so precious... all special and amazing in your own way.. i love all of you and it hurts for me to see you get hurt... fuck those worthless guys.. they may be lonely/desperate/idiotic/pathetic.. i don't care.. they do not have the rights to treat you like that.. please remember that you always have people who loves you very much around you all the time.. when you feel lonely and sad all you gotta do is just reach out for them and they'll be there..

don't spoil yourself... don't fill your memories with these.. fill them with awesomeness... like you already are...

-JaNe-

best birthday ever

she said it was her best birthday that she's ever had since the past few years..

first, we all went up to genting to stay a night. by the time we reach, its already 12!

so all we did was sleep? =P 

oh, and eat of course..=)

next day, for the birthday dinner, 

 tamarind springs@ampang..

its a rainforest themed thai-indochinese-malaysian cuisine.

the entrance was amazing!

ok, but this part, where they did not put those aroma candles.. 

mosquitoes are so so so hungry there..

i got almost 6 bites on my leg just from the entrance to the restaurant!@.@

super long walkway not suitable for heels..=P

anyway, tadaaa! we've reached the place...=)

loves..<3

and us at the entrance. we didn't really get to take the pictures of the place because the place is only made of dim lights.. ouh well...
these are from google image..=P

with high definition...
 this is how the place lookes like to us that night.. haha..

anyway, more pictures..!

best birthday for mummy, and best day of my life!=D

as for the food.. my sister took the first two dish, and realised we're finishing the rest really fast...and she stopped taking pictures and start eating before everything is finished.. so yea, we only manage to take two dish out of the rest..

how does it tastes like? we finished the meal in 10 minutes!!!! definitely 10/10..

we each gave mummy a wish and immediately went into..

birthday cake time..!

favourite picture.

mummy and shaun shaun.. hehehehehe...~~=D

and lotsa kisses! muah muah muah.

and my favourtie part..... presents..!

my brother made a booklet of birthday wishes..

it was, oh god.. super cute!

my sister, got my mum a handbag.

and a potrait of her. look alike?

and as for me....

i made mummy this! my very own hand made family tree...=D

and the details of my present.... hehe..

with my little manye and budju on the family tree.. whole thing made of felt with height taller than my monitor. +, pictures of us on the tree... 

can't wait for the next birthday! damn i love brithdays..~~~~~lalalala!

-JaNe-

stay happy

no matter what they say,
no matter how they see you,
even if they judge you,
and try to bring you down,
don't ever doubt yourself..

stand up,
and proove them wrong,
show them what you really are,
make them see what they don't understand,
be who you are,
be what you want to be..

pleasing everyone is impossible,
everyone is different,
don't be afraid to be one too,
if you think you're right,
don't let just that few people change your mind,
stay strong,
fight back,
and just do it.

life's too short to think so much,
time does not wait for anyone,
so don't waste time doing things you're not happy of,
don't be afraid to fail,
don't be shy to be strong,
don't be scared to loose,

time does not wait for anyone,
but it's never too late to be who you want to be,
live it,
love it,
be it,
and stay happy.

-JaNe-

common awesome sense

those of you who went to my room before knows that my wardrobe is tilting down. i was really scared that it might just fall on me one day.@.@ and no, i can't even drill it to the wall, cus i'll have to pay for the holes in the wall when i move out.. 

see? ok, it doesn't look so bad here.. but in reality, it really looks like it's about to fall anytime.. it was so tilted that i almost always knock it  everytime i pass by it.. 
so! one night, i was thinking about it again.. and ding ding ding!! my awesome common sense came in.. totally found a solution.!

1. bring down all the clothes..

2. use the trun around factor....=D

turn it around so it tilts towards the wall...

TADAAAA~~~ the before and after.. now my wardrobe is back to awesomeness..!

-JaNe-